Small Town: The Friendly
Stephen Dunn
I walk Main Street, a pelican,
my jaw full of hellos.
Hello lady I don't know!
Hello everyone! I have learned
to beat them to it.
That there are things sleeping
in the most inviting doorways
no longer matters. Hello green grocer!
Hello street! Hello cold morning!
I've always wanted to do this,
and they think I'm normal.
Improv:
We sit on the clumpy carpet, two cows,
our teeth ruminating unborn arguments.
Who calls you after ten at night? Look at me.
I have learned your droop-eyed lines
before you say them. I can mouth them with you
like I mouth your lips on breezy nights.
Was it important? Kind of.
I've always felt your fingertips worriedly tapping
the worn knees of my jeans.
Christine,
ReplyDeletethis piece is very interesting. I really like the way that you have taken the poem above, and made an improv' completely different. Although the draft is short, I think you do a great job with mastering exactly what needs to be said, while still maintaining the ability to incorporate highly charged, concrete-specific imagery. I especially like the fist line "We sit on the clumpy carpet, two cows". The s and c consonant sounds work magically here. I didn't notice it at first, but when I went back through the draft and read it more slowly, I found that as my tongue moves to each word in that sentence, it dances. I also really enjoy the line, "I can mouth them with you / like I mouth your lips on breezy nights..." because of the way I actually have to open my mouth wide as I say that sentence- also very wonderful! What's more, I also enjoy the way you move from a length sentence, to a chopped, short sentence. This not only helps the reader to get a feel of the way in which to read the draft, but also it elevates the way in which the words dominate,the way they are individually and specifically pronounced. I think you did a fantastic job with this improv' piece! Kudos! :)