This started out as a collection of phrases from the blog Engrish Funny, which features a myriad of mistranslations:
-Please do not accompany the elevator door
-Beware of your hands
-You don't bird me. I don't bird you.
-Do not use on unexplained calf
-This machine chooses to use the transformer of power
-irony barbecue
-Please don't flash the octopus
And then ended up as this:
Your unexplained calf, wary hands
in an unaccompanied elevator door.
You bird me, smack against my window
every morning in a bloom of brown feathers. I
bird for you, stuffing frustrated straw into the nook
of some elm branch. This machine,
your feathered breath, chooses
barbecued irony. I birds-eye you,
I flash octopi to make them change
color and squeeze into the nook
of some coral branch. Beware of your hands.
They bloom on my waist, unexplained.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI have been on that website before (it's hilarious), but never though about using it for writing material. Thank you! because it obviously works. I like how you took the theme of birds and ran with it, making use of the odd construction of gthe verb "bird." However, I do think the phrase should be kept consistent because of its strangeness and technical incorrectness. I do not know if I prefer "bird you" or "bird for you," but I think this is a decision for later drafts. "Frustrated straw" is an interesting combination. In addition, I definitely wanted to steal your last image: "Beware of your hands./ They bloom on my waist, unexplained." I really liked the last line especially, but I am not sure if I would stick with the bewaring. I noticed the slight paralleling of the two stanzas (nook, bloom, feahter, bird) and agree that this is a great way to generate material and keep yourself going. In later drafts though, I would either emphasize this or take it away completely; it stands awkwardly in between right now.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the kookiness of this draft and, like Kris, love the last line. I think "You bird me" and "I bird for you" sound too strange but could be reworked into something that keeps the bird theme going. Along that same line, I think "Like a bird, you smack against the window of my world, etc." might be a way into a less kooky, more serious draft. Still, this one is fun.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantastic example of working with unusual language finds to create a really nice piece of work. I especially liked “You bird me, smack against my window”. I’m quite jealous of that line, as a matter of fact. The play you engage in with bloom is also interesting, “bloom of brown feathers” and then later the hands that “bloom on my waist unexplained” sets up a nice echo effect within the structure of this draft. You might want to play with that a bit more. I could see something about octopi ink blooming, perhaps to obscure something. This draft seems to be speaking to the idea of unclear understanding in a relationship. There seems to be an implication that this relationship is new, a sense of wariness in the warnings. Some of the language you already have here works towards that, so you might think about playing that up a bit more. An excellent read, as it is, with plenty of strong images.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this entry, you did really well taking random, unrelated nonsense and turning it in to an interesting piece. There's a lot of imagery in the phrases, and while I realize the point is for a lot of them not to make sense (such as the term "you bird me",) I like how it allows the reader to leave much to the imagination. There also seems to be a sort of juggling act amongst the topics, which is good- the only suggestion I have is to possibly find even more mistranslations and make the work longer. The piece has a great flow and again this is a stand-out entry.